One of the foundations of RIE®- authenticity- is something that can sound deceptively simple:
We are modeling authenticity. Be authentic. Authentic parents = authentic children
When we speak to a child, what does authenticity sound like? It doesn’t mean speaking to your baby exactly as you would speak to another adult. Babies need us to adapt our communication to their developmental level. But adapting our communication is very different from performing for a child. Respect and regard are straightforward. We are honest and attuned. When directed at children, what does this sound like?
Across cultures, mothers naturally use a type of speech when talking to their child. Researchers call it motherese, or child-directed speech.
Motherese is the natural way adults tend to modify their speech when talking with babies. Our pitch may rise. We may stretch a word. We may speak a little more slowly, pronounce words more clearly, and make our facial expressions more obvious.
- “Ohhhh, you found your foot!”
- “Ahh, I see you. You are looking at me.”
- “Oops, that was a loud sound!”
These adaptations help babies attend to language and connect words with what they are experiencing.
But motherese is not a constant performance of excitement or an overemphasis of each word with a constant high pitch in sing-songy phrases.
- It isn’t a requirement to make everything sound thrilling.
- It isn’t a high-pitched voice that never comes down.
- It isn’t exaggerated delight at every movement, sound, toy, bite of food, or discovery.
And it certainly isn’t the idea that we have to continuously entertain, stimulate, narrate, praise, and react to our child in order for them to be engaged or developing properly.
There is an important difference between being animated with a baby and performing animation for a baby.
Babies don’t need us to manufacture an emotional response to everything they do. They need to experience our real emotional range. LINK: They mostly need an accurate mirror.
- Sometimes we’re delighted: “You did it! You got the ball.”
- Sometimes we’re interested: “You’re looking at that very carefully.”
- Sometimes we’re surprised: “Oh! That fell down.”
- Sometimes we’re concerned: “That startled you.”
- Sometimes we’re simply present: “I’m right here.”
And sometimes there is nothing to say at all. Sometimes – many times – as much as possible, we are quietly present and observing. A gesture, A nod of the head. A smile is enough.
That is emotional regulation, too. It lives in the authentic, natural flow of each moment, where we tune in and just be together in silent observation. We call it Wants Nothing Quality time in RIE. We want nothing of the moment. We don’t want to teach or explain or convince or do anything – it is being. In that space we learn so much about the child. In that space we are co-regulated.
A regulated adult doesn’t have to maintain a particular emotional temperature for the child. We can be warm and engaged without being relentlessly enthusiastic. We can be interested without being excited. We can be calm without being flat.
This is where I invite parents to notice themselves.
If you find yourself constantly raising your voice, exaggerating your reactions, filling every silence, or feeling as though you need to make everything fun and exciting for your child, pause for a moment.
Ask yourself: Am I responding to my child—or am I performing for my child?
Here is a good test: Do I sound like Ms Rachel?
Ms. Rachel = Motherese on steroids. This might not be the majority opinion – but so be it. Her tone isn’t an example of someone speaking authentically to anyone, much less a child. This is an example of a hyper-exaggerated speech style. In linguistics and speech therapy, what she uses is known as “parentese” or “motherese.” While most parents use it naturally, Ms. Rachel takes it to an absolute extreme.
I get it. Like many adults, this comes from good intentions. However, this constant animation often doesn’t come from the child’s nervous system at all. It may be coming from ours. Just notice…
Perhaps we are anxious that we’re not doing enough.
Perhaps we feel responsible for keeping the child engaged.
Perhaps we’ve absorbed the message that every moment is an opportunity for enrichment.
Perhaps silence feels uncomfortable.
Perhaps we’re trying very hard to be the perfect parent.
If you recognize yourself here, and this is hard to confront, I understand.
This is an invitation to slow down and unhook yourself from this need to entertain and be “on” so much. Your baby doesn’t need a children’s television host.
Your baby needs you. Your baby needs an accurate mirror – LINK
Your face.
Your voice.
Your genuine interest.
Your pauses.
Your quiet.
Your delight when delight is genuine.
Your sadness when that is genuine.
And your ability to let an experience simply be what it is.
Authenticity is not less engaging for a child. It is a form of connection. And sometimes the most regulating thing we can offer a child is not more energy—but our own regulated presence. As Magda Gerber reminded us – sometimes less is more.